Sometimes dorky outdoorswoman, sometimes classy yukata model...
Life isn't meant to be lived so seriously is what I truly believe. Life should be simple, what we want to do should be clear, and everyone in our life should be kind and helpful.
Sounds like a utopia? Well, that's the problem. We don't live in a world where we can live simply so easily. It's hard to know exactly what we want for the right reason, even well-meaning people who love us can hurt and traumatize us, and it can be difficult to get the confidence to make steps in a direction where we can live a simple life that is more in alignment with who we are.
This is my mission , to help people move past their fears and anxiety, tap into their inner power to be able to live a life where everything is clearer to them.
So who am I? I am a International Feng Shui Guild certified feng shui consultant, a life coach, and an all-around artist. If you are wondering where the "artist" part ties in, art is simply the process of sharing ideas and stories through different mediums, whether it is drawing and painting, or writing and music. They way I see it, my art isn't any different than my business, except I get to use it to help others in a more direct sense.
My story is mainly one about anxiety. Since I was a child, I had terrible anxiety, and my parents, nor any couseler or my teachers could find out why. I used to lay away making contingency plans for when the zombies came when I was ten, and when I was 13 I wrote a two-page essay in class about how I was certain I was going to lose all my friends and that everyone secretly hated me when given a prompt to write a few sentences about a fear that I had. I thought that my anxiety was just part of who I was, and in fact my super power. Everyone else was too chill, and thus not prepared. Why couldn't people take life as seriously, as me? I thought. I was right about one thing though. It was my super power, just not int he way that I thought.
So where does the feng shui come in? Well since I was a kid I also had an incredibly messy room, which my parents decided is not their responsibility to clean up. (Good for them!) I accepted this also as part of me, and never questioned if I actually liked having a messy room or not. In college, with my first break-up and the death of my beloved great-grandma (who always embraced and appreciated my special-ness, including my anxiety) I reached a breaking point.
I started to go see the campus counselor and she asked me what was bothering me so much. "My room" I finally admitted to someone for the first time. I even got in trouble with the head of the dorm for my messy room, saying it was a fire hazard and I needed to clean it up. "Why don't you just clear some things off your desk?" She asked. "No, I can't" I insisted. "Well, just try one thing. " She said. I cleared a few things off of my desk, but I didn't understand the extreme resistance I had to doing so. This resistance was an important theme in my life I would soon learn, and also an important lesson.
After college I moved to Japan, which had been my plan since I first visited Tokyo after high school graduation four years earlier. There I faced true isolation and loliness for the first time. Depite having a few of my closest friends there, I still struggled a lot with being alone and my inability to deal with it led to quite a few bad decisions. The worst of which was to start a new relationship a few months after arriving. The relationship moved way too fast, first turning toxic, with me being too co-dependent to leave, and then turned abusive, with me being too afraid for my life to leave.
During that time, I lost all sense of self. Since I was being conditioned to believe that most of me was bad, and should be changed, I became a puppet of what I thought my partner thought I should be. Everything about me became a lie, and for someone who danced around campus in rainbow tutus and rainbow hair, I was incredibly ashamed of what happened to me. This shame, coupled with with the face I did love my partner and, not knowing the difference between love and control, thought they loved me back, led me to me staying in that relationship for the longest 5 and a half years of my life. In those 5 years I lived lifetimes, I died a hundred deaths. Unless you have actually been through that experience, it is impossible to really understand what gaslighting and abuse can do to you. During that time, I learned to hate myself more than any human perhaps has on this earth.
For a while, I thought that my ex had chosen me seeing some weakness in me. It took many years after I left to realize that it was not a weakness, or the darkness in me- it was my light. My pure authentic self was something that they saw and they wanted. And instead of learning from me, loving me because of that light and finding their own, they decided to take it from me as a way of seemingly finding their own power. But there is no power to be found in taking the (I cant find the word, the word that describes someone being in their own power, starts with an A, maybe like authority?)
In my decision to leave my dog we kept together, whom I loved dearly, most of my possessions and money, three thoughts were the tipping point.
1. I think I deserve to be happy
2. I wonder if I can try to love myself
3. I want to climb Mt. Fuji.
Mt. Fuji had come up a few times with my ex-partner as something I stated I want to do, that it was on my bucket list for many many years. However, for them it was a hard "no"; I wasn't allowed to climb Mt. Fuji.
After this thought that I deserve to be happy started in my head, it was an inevitable decision. I started to realize more and more how unhealthy my relationship with my partner was, and also. more dangerously, my relationship with myself.
When I left I promised myself that although the relationship with my ex could never be fixed, I would repair this relationship with myself. I've always been a very curious person, and I was now fascinated with the idea of what I could do. Things that I thought I would never be able to do were happening, like getting the courage to leave my ex, and creating a new life on my own.
In August of 2019, I climbed to the top of Mt. Fuji and got to see the sunrise. It was really a tipping point in my life, not because of just climbing a mountain, but what it represented in my life. All possibilities were now open, and for the first time in many years, I was actually happy to be alive, and excited about my life.
Then came 2020.
Given all the extreme changes that had happened in my life in 2019, its no surprise that I took the pandemic especially hard. What it really made me do though is take my life much more seriously. I dove into the world of personal development, meditation and also started studying feng shui more seriously.
Pretty much right away I decided that I really want to help those that are on a similar journey that I was on, one of chasing away self-doubt, false beliefs, and learning to fall in love with yourself day after day after day.
I got my feng shui consultant certification with the International Feng Shui Guild, and started using my expertise of coaching team members from my corporate job to support others in their journey.
And thats a bit about me!! I would love to hear more about you as well, so feel free to open the chat and tell me your story! 😊